Now I get it: it's part of the design

I had been haunted by this short little guitar piece on, of all things, the newish movie Cowboys and Aliens.  Haunted by it, so much so, that I sat down and learned it.  Somethign about it was so beautifully simple and the melody really moving.  It took quite a bit of practice on my part to get the notes to ring clear and the playing of it to be simple and uncomplicated.  Then I decided to play it as an introit at church today.  I second-guessed my decision for a bit--it's not a religious piece, it came from a stupid movie--and then just told myself to shut up and trust my instincts.

Now to the point of why I am writing about it.  I am sitting in the back of the church waiting for things to get real quiet so that everybody will be able to hear this quiet, simple little piece.  It is all of 30 seconds long, mind you, so I need there to be some focus.  I pause..and then start in.  Right after the first couple of notes, I hear this high-pitched whining that's going up and down, over and over.  I keep playing, but I, and most everybody else is distracted.  An elderly woamn gets up and starts walking towards the back, straight towards me and then, as I still try to salvage the piece, I realize that the awful sound is coming from her hearing aid which is over-amping and feedbacking.

Oh, boy.  Such timing.  There went my couple hours of practice to learn and nail down this music.  I hope this doesn't read like I was upset because I didn't sound good to everyone.  It' really isn't about me.  Truly.  But, I did really work hard at creating this piece for everybody to hear, and I really did want them to hear it because it was such a beautiful piece of music.

But, in my frustration, a great thing happened.  I had this sudden ahha.

I believe, no count on, God's grace to make good the on-going damage done by the chuckle head named yours truly.  I believe that I am forgiven for all the crap I have done and will do.  I apologize over and over.  I wish it were not so.  I feel bad about it.  Especially when it comes to my hurting other human beings around me.  But here's the deal: I think that I work way too hard at trying to make everything perfect.  I don't think that I've ever really been okay with the notion that I am a human being.  I feel bad about myself.

One of my Dad's favorite metaphors was describing himself as a cloudy glass lens and that his job was to polish out the scratches in the lens so that God's love can shine thru better and brighter.  True to being a father's son, so have I.  Blisters on those fingers from polishing.

But, maybe, maybe, God's love get's thrown around in lots of crazy directions as it goes thru my lens.  Maybe I should not be so quick to curse and clean out the imperfections.  That this thing is not so linear as I work at being better and God is pleased, but rather that God works thru my imperfections.  Can I dare say publicly...even put them there?  That screwed up events, messed up plans, and people at their not-so-best create even more depth to the Mystery.  Maybe instead of just feeling relieved that grace can exhonerate me and my Lutheran guilt, I should not be so quick to clean it all up.  That our shortcomings, indeed some (all?) of sin itself, IS part of the plan and that I can let it be just what it is.

Cue the Leonard Cohen line: "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."